Day 74: My India Confession
Time for an honesty post.
Today I've been thinking about last semester. It was possibly one of the best times of my life. Well, College has been the best times of my life. All of it. My life at BYU is.... wonderful. I have had challenges and I have had hard times but overall, I feel like it is the place that I came to be myself. It is the place where I learned my worth and learned that I can be exactly who I want to be.
Last semester I was in Heaven. I had my best friends around me, I was meeting amazing new people everyday through BYUSA and through some new social connections... and life was good. I just felt great. Like I could take on the world because I finally had the confidence to do that.
And then I decided that I had to come to India in Winter... BUT I didn't want to. I really didn't want to. It scared me... to leave all of that behind. To mess with something SO good. Why would I do that?
But I knew it had to be done. I couldn't get my degree without coming to India. I kept telling myself to go in Summer instead.. but something inside me knew that that wasn't what I should do.
I made the decision but I wasn't okay with it all semester. I saw everything around me and I kept thinking... I have to leave this. That thought was part of every moment. I kept reminding myself that India was my dream! I had always wanted to go. I shouldn't let the fear of change get in my way... But till the day I left I still felt so sad... that I was saying goodbye to something that I couldn't get back. It would never be exactly that way again.
It's true that I can't go back to that time. And most of the time change comes when we want it least.
I was right to think that being away from home this semester would be hard for me. I was right to think that it would not be the most convenient time, emotionally, for me to leave.
But today I know that Heavenly Father knew that needed to be part of my experience in India. It makes it more real when I feel the pain of distance. It helps me to understand the people I talk to every day, when they tell me how they feel about having the people they love, their children, far from them. And it reminds me that I want to travel not just to feel the rush of seeing beautiful things and experiencing new cultures-- that is a huge part of it. But I want to travel so I can learn what is important to me-- why home is home and why I don't want to be perpetually on the other side of the Earth.
I love adventures and I will always love traveling. But I also love that I miss home-- because that means I'm pretty lucky to have a great place to go back to.
I don't regret anything about coming this semester. It is perfect in its imperfection.
Love,
Stéf
Today I've been thinking about last semester. It was possibly one of the best times of my life. Well, College has been the best times of my life. All of it. My life at BYU is.... wonderful. I have had challenges and I have had hard times but overall, I feel like it is the place that I came to be myself. It is the place where I learned my worth and learned that I can be exactly who I want to be.
Last semester I was in Heaven. I had my best friends around me, I was meeting amazing new people everyday through BYUSA and through some new social connections... and life was good. I just felt great. Like I could take on the world because I finally had the confidence to do that.
And then I decided that I had to come to India in Winter... BUT I didn't want to. I really didn't want to. It scared me... to leave all of that behind. To mess with something SO good. Why would I do that?
But I knew it had to be done. I couldn't get my degree without coming to India. I kept telling myself to go in Summer instead.. but something inside me knew that that wasn't what I should do.
I made the decision but I wasn't okay with it all semester. I saw everything around me and I kept thinking... I have to leave this. That thought was part of every moment. I kept reminding myself that India was my dream! I had always wanted to go. I shouldn't let the fear of change get in my way... But till the day I left I still felt so sad... that I was saying goodbye to something that I couldn't get back. It would never be exactly that way again.
It's true that I can't go back to that time. And most of the time change comes when we want it least.
I was right to think that being away from home this semester would be hard for me. I was right to think that it would not be the most convenient time, emotionally, for me to leave.
But today I know that Heavenly Father knew that needed to be part of my experience in India. It makes it more real when I feel the pain of distance. It helps me to understand the people I talk to every day, when they tell me how they feel about having the people they love, their children, far from them. And it reminds me that I want to travel not just to feel the rush of seeing beautiful things and experiencing new cultures-- that is a huge part of it. But I want to travel so I can learn what is important to me-- why home is home and why I don't want to be perpetually on the other side of the Earth.
I love adventures and I will always love traveling. But I also love that I miss home-- because that means I'm pretty lucky to have a great place to go back to.
I don't regret anything about coming this semester. It is perfect in its imperfection.
Love,
Stéf
Comments
Post a Comment