What the Y Has Taught Me (2 Years In)
As I read one of my best friend Kylie's blog posts today I realized I have never really let anyone see me vulnerable in any of my blog posts. I always write as if I am on top of everything in my life. Sometimes that really isn't the case though. Today I'm going to be very honest. I hope it will help someone who may be struggling with something similar.
In the last two years I have learned one of the most important lessons of my life. When I first came out to BYU I thought I knew it all and I thought I was pretty unique! I grew up in an area where there aren't many youth that follow LDS standards. And since I developed my testimony at a fairly young age I had leaders that complimented me all the time. I was proud of making it through high school the way I had.
So when I got to my new ward I suddenly felt completely invisible. I was surrounded by girls who were just like me! They loved the Gospel, dressed like I did, got good grades, were social, served the people around them. Actually, there WERE a few differences. I was shyer and less confident with making new friends. And I realized-- "Wait, a second! I'm not that unique. Everything that had set me apart from others at home makes me blend in here."
My confidence was completely shaken. In a lot of ways I went through an identity crisis. Who was I beyond what others thought about me? Or beyond my history of being faithful? Of course I know how vitally important my faith is. I would be nothing without my Saviour and his guiding influence. I would not be at BYU, I would not have this peace or joy, I would not know my purpose. He means everything to me. But my Father in Heaven also expects me to develop my own talents, to develop as an individual. Part of growing up is realizing that the more you know, the less you know. The more you feel independent, the more you need to rely on God. And most of all it is realizing that your identity is within you-- not a product of what others know or recognize.
For the first semester and a great part of the second semester I struggled with this. Some days I felt fine. These where the days when I was with my roommates, because thankfully they saw all the way inside of me. To them I was special. But some days I would bury into myself. These where the days when my roommates were out on dates and I would stay home doing homework. These where the days when I was afraid to talk to people in my classes because I didn't feel like I could be as outgoing as other girls around me. I rarely cry but this trial broke me down more than once.
Now, I'm sharing this because I think this is something many LDS youth can relate to. As we grow up we are praised and encouraged. But coming to University (especially at BYU) makes you realize that you are just as good as A LOT of other people. This realization humbled me. It was the best experience of my life. Though I was cut down I know my confidence could not have grown to what it is now without that. Now my confidence isn't built off of what others think of me and my faithfulness. Its about what my Heavenly Father thinks of me. I know that no matter what others say, if I feel at peace with him then I am on the right path and I am on my way to becoming more like him. I also know that you don't have to be noticed by everyone. There will be people on your path who will see you and your light. It is not a competition. Some girls may be noticed all the time. Some may be noticed on occasion. And some may feel like they are never noticed. But I promise you that your Heavenly Father notices you. And he will send people down your path who will buoy you up. Turn to him in humble prayer and though this trial may rock you to the core it will all be for your benefit.
This is one of my favourite Mormon Messages. It is very powerful. I know our Heavenly Father knows us. He knows about your grades, your love life, your family, your weaknesses, your strengths (even when you don't recognize them); he knows who he can send to help you and he knows how to love you perfectly. Let him in and there will be no room left for loneliness.
I love you,
Stéfanie
In the last two years I have learned one of the most important lessons of my life. When I first came out to BYU I thought I knew it all and I thought I was pretty unique! I grew up in an area where there aren't many youth that follow LDS standards. And since I developed my testimony at a fairly young age I had leaders that complimented me all the time. I was proud of making it through high school the way I had.
So when I got to my new ward I suddenly felt completely invisible. I was surrounded by girls who were just like me! They loved the Gospel, dressed like I did, got good grades, were social, served the people around them. Actually, there WERE a few differences. I was shyer and less confident with making new friends. And I realized-- "Wait, a second! I'm not that unique. Everything that had set me apart from others at home makes me blend in here."
My confidence was completely shaken. In a lot of ways I went through an identity crisis. Who was I beyond what others thought about me? Or beyond my history of being faithful? Of course I know how vitally important my faith is. I would be nothing without my Saviour and his guiding influence. I would not be at BYU, I would not have this peace or joy, I would not know my purpose. He means everything to me. But my Father in Heaven also expects me to develop my own talents, to develop as an individual. Part of growing up is realizing that the more you know, the less you know. The more you feel independent, the more you need to rely on God. And most of all it is realizing that your identity is within you-- not a product of what others know or recognize.
For the first semester and a great part of the second semester I struggled with this. Some days I felt fine. These where the days when I was with my roommates, because thankfully they saw all the way inside of me. To them I was special. But some days I would bury into myself. These where the days when my roommates were out on dates and I would stay home doing homework. These where the days when I was afraid to talk to people in my classes because I didn't feel like I could be as outgoing as other girls around me. I rarely cry but this trial broke me down more than once.
Now, I'm sharing this because I think this is something many LDS youth can relate to. As we grow up we are praised and encouraged. But coming to University (especially at BYU) makes you realize that you are just as good as A LOT of other people. This realization humbled me. It was the best experience of my life. Though I was cut down I know my confidence could not have grown to what it is now without that. Now my confidence isn't built off of what others think of me and my faithfulness. Its about what my Heavenly Father thinks of me. I know that no matter what others say, if I feel at peace with him then I am on the right path and I am on my way to becoming more like him. I also know that you don't have to be noticed by everyone. There will be people on your path who will see you and your light. It is not a competition. Some girls may be noticed all the time. Some may be noticed on occasion. And some may feel like they are never noticed. But I promise you that your Heavenly Father notices you. And he will send people down your path who will buoy you up. Turn to him in humble prayer and though this trial may rock you to the core it will all be for your benefit.
This is one of my favourite Mormon Messages. It is very powerful. I know our Heavenly Father knows us. He knows about your grades, your love life, your family, your weaknesses, your strengths (even when you don't recognize them); he knows who he can send to help you and he knows how to love you perfectly. Let him in and there will be no room left for loneliness.
I love you,
Stéfanie
I loved this post, it proves that you are amazing! I also love that Mormon message and it is something I need to remind myself of often as well. As long as we are striving to do the will of God, we are on the right path. :)
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