Scratching Doubt off the List
It's Christmas time and I want to share a piece of what I have felt in these last few months because I feel like someone might need this. I might get a little personal but if that doesn't bother you then please read what I have to say.
You know when you see your life happening around you and it seems like the same kinds of things keep repeating themselves? You keep making the same mistakes, you keep doing the same thing at school or work every day, and you keep not getting the answers or experiences you're praying for?
I know what that feels like. I began Fall semester thinking that my Senior year at BYU had come way too quickly, but by October I just wanted to be done. I wanted to move on, to come back to Canada, to finally graduate. I wanted something new. I forgot that at the start of the year I had promised myself I would start enjoying the little, beautiful moments . Life became a to-do list that grew longer every day.
And somewhere along the way--as I was checking things off my list--I forgot to make my relationship with my Saviour my priority. I mean, I still did the things that I could check off my list. I read my scriptures, I prayed, I went to the temple. But I rarely took the time to just sit and ponder and talk to my Heavenly Father. And eventually I started to doubt myself and to doubt that he could really help me. Because if he could help me then why did he let me become the way I am, with all my weaknesses and mistakes that lead me away from what I really want?
But I want you to know that I was so completely wrong. Our Saviour is always there and I know that you feel that too when you hear his name. His name feels like truth burnt on my heart. The whole time I felt like he did not know me, he was right there reaching out to me. But he wasn't reaching out to me with a promise to put me somewhere new or to change all of me at once. He was reaching out with a promise that he is enough--that if I trust in his ability to heal me I will not be perfect but I will be whole. I will be whole enough to forgive myself, to forgive others, and to find the strength I need to be who I want to be. And if I make my relationship with him my first priority, I will never be without him or his love.
So I promise you, if you let your weaknesses, your history, your mistakes overwhelm you then you are falling into the trap that Satan wants you to fall into. He knows that often the first step to doubting our Saviour is doubting ourselves.
My answer from Heavenly Father is not to move on to something new--it is to learn to rely on my Saviour where I stand now. Though I doubt my abilities, it is not my abilities that I must rely on. Our Saviour was born, lived, suffered in the Garden of Gethsemane for our sins, and then died on the cross so that you and I would not be left to our own abilities. We have him to lean on in all things. I am ready to really let him into my life.
It's Christmas time and Christmas is about celebrating the birth of our Saviour Jesus Christ. I know he really was born, that he is real, and that he knows how to love you perfectly. Our weaknesses do not make us less worthy of his love. If we focus on loving him through everything we do then we will feel like we are worth everything in the world--because we really are worth everything to him.
Merry Christmas!
Stef
You know when you see your life happening around you and it seems like the same kinds of things keep repeating themselves? You keep making the same mistakes, you keep doing the same thing at school or work every day, and you keep not getting the answers or experiences you're praying for?
I know what that feels like. I began Fall semester thinking that my Senior year at BYU had come way too quickly, but by October I just wanted to be done. I wanted to move on, to come back to Canada, to finally graduate. I wanted something new. I forgot that at the start of the year I had promised myself I would start enjoying the little, beautiful moments . Life became a to-do list that grew longer every day.
And somewhere along the way--as I was checking things off my list--I forgot to make my relationship with my Saviour my priority. I mean, I still did the things that I could check off my list. I read my scriptures, I prayed, I went to the temple. But I rarely took the time to just sit and ponder and talk to my Heavenly Father. And eventually I started to doubt myself and to doubt that he could really help me. Because if he could help me then why did he let me become the way I am, with all my weaknesses and mistakes that lead me away from what I really want?
But I want you to know that I was so completely wrong. Our Saviour is always there and I know that you feel that too when you hear his name. His name feels like truth burnt on my heart. The whole time I felt like he did not know me, he was right there reaching out to me. But he wasn't reaching out to me with a promise to put me somewhere new or to change all of me at once. He was reaching out with a promise that he is enough--that if I trust in his ability to heal me I will not be perfect but I will be whole. I will be whole enough to forgive myself, to forgive others, and to find the strength I need to be who I want to be. And if I make my relationship with him my first priority, I will never be without him or his love.
So I promise you, if you let your weaknesses, your history, your mistakes overwhelm you then you are falling into the trap that Satan wants you to fall into. He knows that often the first step to doubting our Saviour is doubting ourselves.
My answer from Heavenly Father is not to move on to something new--it is to learn to rely on my Saviour where I stand now. Though I doubt my abilities, it is not my abilities that I must rely on. Our Saviour was born, lived, suffered in the Garden of Gethsemane for our sins, and then died on the cross so that you and I would not be left to our own abilities. We have him to lean on in all things. I am ready to really let him into my life.
It's Christmas time and Christmas is about celebrating the birth of our Saviour Jesus Christ. I know he really was born, that he is real, and that he knows how to love you perfectly. Our weaknesses do not make us less worthy of his love. If we focus on loving him through everything we do then we will feel like we are worth everything in the world--because we really are worth everything to him.
Merry Christmas!
Stef
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